SHADE
by brownbagspecial
Summary: Have a look into never before seen interviews of the cast of twilight, watch as they relentlessly shade one another through their confessions. OOC as hell, obviously. Rated T for language.
1. Leah

**So this is a just a sneak peak of my wildly gay ass humour. I just feel like shade is essential in my life. I'm a professional shade thrower and a habitual line stepper, it's on my Tinder. This is reality show/ interview style type of set up. I know show don't tell.**

 **INTERVIEWER:** What's your name?

 **Leah C:** Leah Clearwater, Aka That Bitch.

INTERVIEWER: Okay, uh, Leah; I want to play a game with you. I'll say a name and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind, okay?

Leah C: Okay, shoot.

 **INTERVIEWER** : Jacob Black

Leah C: Casper the ghost

 **INTERVIEWER** : Samuel Uley

Leah C: Who? Flop, matted ass dirty ass fur. Trash.

 **INTERVIEWER** : Edward Cullen

Leah C: Used tampons.

 **INTERVIEWER** : ….

Leah C: I said what I said

 **INTERVIEWER** : Bella Cullen

Leah C: Trash. Colonizer.

 **INTERVIEWER** : Emily Uley

Leah C: I don't know her.

 **INTERVIEWER** : But that's your…

Leah C: I. Don't. Know. Her.

 **I'm not apologizing lol. And yes I will continue to throw shade.**

 **Anyway Read and Review.**


	2. Bella

**Yes, I'm deadass continuing this. Yes, I'll update my serious fics. Let me live heaux!**

 **Bella**

 **INTERVIEWER** : State your name please.

Bella C/B/S: Bella Bl-Sw- CULLEN.

 **INTERVIEWER**. Okay, Bella-

Bella: It's _Mrs._ Cullen.

 **INTERVIEWER** : *clears throat* Right, okay Bella, can you tell me about yourself?

Bella: I am your fave's fave. That bitch, the one you guys love to hate. If I were you I'd hate me too. I have taken the oldest virginity on this Earth and procreated with it. My puss has birthed genetic anomalies. The Beyoncé of Forks. I am the Ka-WEEN-

 **INTERVIEWER** : …More like the Dollar Store Taylor Swift. Anyway Bella, how would you describe your occupation?

Bella: Well, I have married Edward Cullen and kept my foot on these SECONDARY character's necks for _years_ and-

 **INTERVIEWER** : I'm sorry Mrs. Cullen, but what do you do?

Bella: Wha-what do you mean?

 **INTERVIEWER** : Like, what do you do for a job, outside of licking expired popsicles?

Bella: I came here for a good time, now I feel personally attacked.

 **INTERVIEWER** : How did you feel about the fight with the Volturi?

Bella: What fight?

 **INTERVIEWER** : What exactly did Leah say to you during your pregnancy that got you shook girl? Everyone wants the tea?

Bella: She basically came in to attack me, she called me a Kardashian esque colonizer, she told me my pussy smelled like dumpster truck juice and hot dog water. She even accused me of trapping Edward with a baby?! The nerve, as if I didn't already have a sex tape on deck, I am a business woman! She even accused me of wanting to still fuck Jacob, well excuse the fuck outta me for wanting some good exotic dick. Sometimes I want to feel something-

 **INTERVIEWER** : That's all we have for today folks.


	3. Jasper

**My boss is reliving me late, so bitch I'm not finna (yes I'm aware that's not a word) work. Hmph they got me all the way fucked up.**

 **Jasper**

 **INTERVIEWER:** I'm here with everyone's neighborhood weed man Jasper Cullen. How are you feeling Jasper?

Jasper: You trying to be funny?

 **INTERVIEWER:** Of course not, you _feel_ me? *insert petty laughter*

Jasper: Bitch…

 **INTERVIEWER:** Anyway, everyone is wanting to know how does it feel to be ne of the most forgettable characters in the franchise?

Jasper: Bitch, first of all I am Jasper Cullen. I served this country before your grandmother learned how to swallow your mother, I turned more hoes out than a Drake concert in Miami, I am the only character that can tolerate Alice in high doses. Bitch I am very relevant.

 **INTERVIEWER** : I'm sorry, for that Casper.

Jasper: It's Jasper.

 **INTERVIEWER** : Right Jessica. So according to your Wiki you were a solider for an um, actually interesting throwaway character Maria, am I correct?

Jasper: Yes, I was. She made me go around doing horrible things to my own kind and I mindlessly was led to do so, because she told me she'd suck my dick from my back, and throw it in a circle.

 **INTERVIEWER** : Ah, and it tells me that you pretty much wound up doing damn near the same thing, except with fancy prose and more pretentiousness. So we are all dying to know, which lube Carslie uses to stick up your ass to make you his puppet. Astro-glide or Wet?

Jasper: …..*lunges*

 _ **WE WILL NOW CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK! WE WILL BE BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES! HERE ON DISNEY CHANNEL!**_


End file.
